Tripping in the Philippines (1) People

I've been back two weeks now, but the Philippines is still in my head. (And on the chair in my bedroom where some of the stuff I brought back is still residing). I have to admit that despite my long experience teaching English and my degrees in Chinese I was not really prepared for the Philippines. All that I knew about their history was high school World History in 10th grade 55+ years ago: Magellan, Spanish Empire, Spanish American War, U.S. Territory, Second World War. My attention to more recent history was sound bites of Imelda Marcos's shoes and Duterte's Drug War. 

Yes I had a number of students from the Philippines, but not as many as from other Asian countries, so I sort of assumed most of them spoke English already. I knew many caregivers and health professionals from the Philippines, whom I assumed came to the U.S. not as refugees but because salaries were higher. I knew they were ethnically mixed, so not immediately identifiable by looks. I also have a facial recognition disability and find it hard to recognize people I don't know well.

I also have to admit (I'm embarrassed by these admissions) that my image of wealthy Asian families was way too influenced by the movie Crazy Rich Asians, and I imagined my son's future in-laws as amalgams of the most extreme characters in this movie. I was terrified to meet them. Of course none of my nightmares came true. Everyone was friendly and hospitable and best of all, they seemed to be genuinely fond of Matthew!

My family is small (I had only 2 brothers, 4 first cousins)-- their family is enormous by comparison (someone told me Cara has19 first cousins.) "Aunts" and "Uncles" that were not actual relations abound. And the similarity of names and proliferation of nicknames made it even worse.... I made innumerable blunders at remembering who was who and which branch of the family they belonged to. I am definitely going to work up a family tree and illustrate it with pictures to help me keep track, not that there is going to be a test!

People truly came from all over for the wedding -- New England and Southern California, Samoa, and Philadelphia, not to mention my friend's kids from London! and they braved volcano threats and fears of Corona virus outbreaks and changed flights. They are really world travelers and family weddings are a Big Deal! By contrast, my wedding was attended by exactly one of my relatives, my mom; the Ohio contingent were all content to listen to the audio tape and look at the photos. 

Outside of the family and wedding guests there were quite a few surprises in the people we met. First were the live-in servants (my first exposure to this outside of t.v. series!) The family's driver/babysitter/car-washer/pool-cleaner/24/7 was a font of information on literally everything from sociology to history to politics. She was college educated, had the patience of a saint in horrendous traffic, & refused to call me anything but Madame Linda!

The sheer number of staff persons at the hotels, airports, malls, buses, restrooms, streets was surprising. In the US we've become accustomed to truncated customer service, self-pump gas stations, self checkouts. There were even people attempting to direct traffic, which I don't think I've seen in the US since the fifties! I suppose that this is partly because of labor availability. It is handy to have a salesperson or two at each elbow in a department store, unless you are just browsing, when it starts to get annoying. The manicurist I went to worked in the dark, and had no conversation, whether because of custom or language barrier, who knows.

Most of the people we met lived in gated communities in MetroManila. Access was controlled at entrances, and in all the malls. Dress codes were enforced at all the better restaurants and hotels. We saw no homeless or beggars in these areas. My friends and I ventured out to the Rest of It by city bus and light rail. And saw only a couple of children sitting on steps collecting coins, a few older people sleeping on the streets. Mostly we saw people working working working -- construction workers everywhere, people driving jeepneys and pedicabs and motorcycles with sidecars, drumming up business for taxis, hustling goods from innumerable tiny shops (I have closets bigger), delivering loads of laundry, food. Their homes were sometimes sheds piled atop other piles of sheds served by snarls of electrical wires that would give Edison nightmares. Sewage was visible and smellable! "Bed space" was advertised (not really sure what this meant...) Food seemed abundant. Schoolchildren were all in uniform, all seeming very serious. Even among tourist-industry workers, English fluency was down to about 40% comprehensibility. Outside the city we also saw farmers with water buffalo, road crews, people shoveling up volcanic ash along the road. I imagine the time of the year affected the number of agricultural workers we saw -- not many!

I don't want to draw many conclusions based on my one (and possibly only) brief visit. The contrast between wealth and poverty seemed very sharp, but then it always does. Huge weddings create a level of stress far beyond that of ordinary life! I was almost never alone anywhere, which is very different from my comfort zone in San Jose. I intend to pay more attention to the news from the Philippines, and to the many immigrants to live in my community, and of course to get to know my new family-in-law! My next blog post will probably be about food....(I really miss not having to cook!)

Procrastination

Procrastination: Cause or Result?

When I'm anxious, I put things off; when I put things off, I'm anxious. Which came first, and how does knowing that help me overcome this lifelong affliction?

My earliest memory of procrastination is when I was 10 or so, putting off writing book reports in 5th grade, and not finishing the last requirements on girl scout badges, and delaying writing thank you letters for birthday gifts. I always hated deadlines (which is why I never majored in journalism), yet without them I might never finish anything. I hate it when other people pressure me to do something, but my own inner pressure is even worse, a battle I can't win: "I can't tell ME what to do!"

So what am I fighting, really? Perfectionism, partly. It's hard to finish something if you never really know when it's the best it could be. I remember taking "Incompletes" in college a few times so I could finish a paper I didn't start until the last minute, and then telling myself something like "I have to accept a lesser product because I didn't have time to do better." The recent Art Journal class I took gave us permission to "keep adding layers" and I like that feeling that it doesn't matter when or if something is "complete". That doesn't work for everything, of course, but for crafty stuff and home and garden stuff (not cooking) and even for self-improvement stuff like exercise and diet, it does seem to have its point. Sometimes it really is the process and not the result.

Judgment is another antagonist. I have never reacted well to criticism (who does?) but for the very fear of it to paralyze.... my mom's critical tone of voice (not her actual words) crops up often when a friend makes a remark I interpret as judgmental. And it also blasts through my own internal dialog! I imagine embarrassing situations arising and what others might think of them and how defensive I might get about that and  -- well, I don't even want to go out of the house. When my dearest friends say nice things about me, I think "What if they knew what I'm REALLY like?" and don't allow myself the leeway to just be human. 

Anxiety surrounding things I "should" be doing can be temporarily, but only temporarily, relieved by doing relaxing things like watching t.v., gaming, reading, fiddling with crafts. The Seniors CBT Group I've started going to suggested the Sock Drawer Solution -- if you think you're overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to deal with, spend half an hour reorganizing your sock drawer. You'll feel a sense of accomplishment and orderliness that relieves anxiety. I do have some success with deciding to work on something for a limited period of time  regardless of whether it gets finished or not. "I don't have to actually make this phone call, but I do have to look up the number and make a list of my talking points." Texting has been a godsend because I don't have to actually talk with the person I feel anxious about, but I can put down my ideas and push "Send" later. Perhaps this is purposeful procrastination!

Some people are what I call "Ante-crastinators" (Greg was one of them) -- as soon as they think about doing something, they are compelled to do it. I used to admire this, now I think it's probably just as extreme as procrastination. Moderation! Prioritizing. Not letting expectations, fear, anxiety or laziness make the choices. I have to both accept the way I am, and try to improve.

A new decade a new leaf?

Can't believe I haven't published anything here for a couple of years. Maybe I've been busy doing other stuff? You wouldn't know it from looking around here. Unless you count clutter as "accomplishment". Anyway, 2020 seems like a good time to start again and try to write a wee bit every day. Tech skill seems to fade faster than cheap pencil marks if not practiced with great regularity and this blog is pretty much a mystery to me now. At least it hasn't vanished into the Fog or the Cloud or whatever, like my photo organizing software did. 

2020 also seems like a good year for a Vision! My vision has been rather short-sighted lately: Getting Through the Next Thing: My Trips, Jeffrey's Move In, the Holidays, and next The Wedding. Trying not to let anxiety overwhelm me. I didn't realize how comfortable my comfort zone has been until it was disrupted. Maybe my vision should been to enlarge my comfort zone. Not sure how. Maybe my new Seniors CBT group will help, when it gets around to meeting again. 

Maybe with fewer places to store things I'll finally be able to find what I'm looking for, be it paper, keys or baking powder. (Discovered yesterday that my baking powder was more than 20 years past its expiration date...) Maybe I'll be able to answer the question "Why, exactly, am I saving this item, and when is the 'someday' I might need it?" Jeffrey's minimalism (or whatever you call the opposite of hoarding) may help me see things differently. Texting with Denise about her old photos and mementos is great. Her tech-savvy may help me figure out how to preserve without piling up! I wish there was someone from the younger generation who cared about this stuff! but this reminds me that I am the one who cares, so I am the one I have to please. Observing Matt and Cara beginning their new life together also should give me a new way of seeing the future (a future I won't be around for, most likely) if I don't get too bogged down in the past.

Another Addiction

So I was tidying my bedroom while listening to NPR (story on Origami, subject of a future essay) when I found a doodad that belonged in another room and started to walk out to rehome it, but didn't want to miss the next bit of the story and found myself inordinately teed off that I couldn't just pause the radio and resume where I'd left off a couple minutes later. There's no DVR for the radio (maybe there is and I just don't know about it. If there is, I want one, now!) My sons tell me that I can listen to the radio on my computer, or probably, my iPhone. I suppose that would work if I was always in the room where my computer is and if I could always find my iPhone. Another issue. The radio pretty much stays put, at least.

I fear I've become addicted to the DVR! I can pause it when I have to go to the bathroom, answer the phone or doorbell, cook something that doesn't require a microwave, AND I can rewind when I've missed a crucial bit of dialogue or action or when, as increasingly happens, I drift off to sleep.

Movies are another thing: I need to get out of the house sometimes and I like the theater experience, big room, big screen, comfy chairs, surround sound, popcorn. But no DVR. For $11.50 a pop, I need a DVR. Not to mention closed captioning, which I do understand is available in some theaters although I haven't actually found one.

I also want a DVR for my dreams, when I wake up in the middle and want to remember what just happened and want it to continue but it won't.

I want a DVR for my thoughts (used to be called a notebook, but I can't be going around writing EVERYTHING down or I'd be more inundated in paper than I already am, and yes, I know that you can take notes on iPhones, but the same problems apply. See above.) I want a Pause button, pure and simple, with a Rewind feature.

I suppose the DVR is the closest thing I get to a universal Do-over. It's a sort of forgiveness. The past is replayable: Try it again, you'll get it right this time. Maybe they'll develop some sort of hi-tech DVR implant in my lifetime. Stranger things have happened. See iPhone!

Life Lessons from a Near Miss


1. DDSS (Don't Do Stupid Stuff) Like try to take a corner too fast.
2. Life is Fragile. Precious. Amazing. Cars are just cars.
 
3. Seatbelts and airbags save lives. Mine. Period. But I think I'll buy one of those little As Seen On TV hammers you can use to break your windows and cut your seat belt because power door locks and windows were jammed! (My airbag had actually been recalled, but I hadn't gotten around to having it replaced. Luckily it wasn't one of the defective ones that shoots shrapnel).
4. People are nice. Three people stopped at the scene. One lady managed to wrench my door open, called 911 when I was too shaky to dial, took photos for me, & got my keys and glasses out of the car. A couple let me sit in their car until the EMTs came.
 
5. Emergency personnel rock! One EMT was a trainee and it was interesting to listen to his supervisor ensure he got the wording precise on his recorded report. The ER Doc was a Vietnamese boat person who could have been one of my ESL students years ago! (He actually went to a different Adult Ed program).

6. In my not inconsiderable ER experience, it's much much easier to be the patient than the person waiting and worrying.
7. There's nothing like Facebook when you're sitting around an ER waiting to the unhooked and discharged! Thanks to all my friends for their attention and comments and help.
8. Crap in your car is very difficult to remove from a wreck in a tow yard. Just sayin'. I resolve to keep my cars cleaner from now on!

What it's like living with guys again

My 28- and 30-year old fledgelings are back in the old nest. I thought I'd feel crowded, overwhelmed,  outnumbered and whatever the opposite of lonesome is. I thought I'd be thrown back into caregiver/mother role and wouldn't be able to feel retired and free to flit about. (Not that I was doing that much flitting; I just wanted to fell like I could and not have to answer to anybody.) None of that has happened. It's a good thing!

Of course there are changes -- the front bathroom is now the Men's Room. The refrigerator and cupboards are crammed with things I didn't buy: Muscle Milk (?) industrial size boxes of cereal, beer, even Meals Ready To Eat (courtesy of the National Guard). The food and drink I do buy disappears overnight, leftovers either don't happen or are devoured as midnight snacks. I shop 3 or 4 times a week and the Costco sizes of condiments no longer last me years. I enjoy cooking again (although my Jenny Craig diet-size portions are no more) and if I don't feel like it there's somebody else who can do it! Nobody will starve without me. I can flit. When I do cook, someone else does the dishes! without being asked!

I have live-in tech support. Electronic devices still behave badly for me, but I have threats I can use to get them in shape! I no longer need ladders and stepstools. I don't always have to hang around when a repairman gives me an 8-hour "window". I hear about different news stories than the ones I am usually tuned in to. I have more people to recommend books and movies to. The cats have more lap and nap choices. (They may be exploiting this by falsely claiming not to have been fed.)

There are still things I'm getting used to: the sound of deep voices again (my male cat has a very high un-macho meow), and odd thumps and bumps too hefty to be made by cats. They sleep much later than I do in the morning and go to bed much later at night -- I'm learning I don't really have to tiptoe around, though. They actually have more experience living with roommates than I do, so they are quiet-ish and neat-ish and considerate about letting me know when they'll be out late, or when they finish off some vital staple.

They still seek my advice, but they're definitely not kids anymore and I don't constantly worry about them in the same mommy way. And they haven't started treating me as senile yet! This arrangement won't be forever -- Matt is talking about buying a condo, and Jeff is considering a move to Southern California-- but basically, it's fun and comfortable. And I do have two female cats to even the balance!

2014 in Review

It has been a pretty healthy and happy year: I’ve been continuing my workouts, have done a wee bit of subbing, a ton of reading (currently halfway through Outlander series), and a fair amount of crafting – my favorites were the magnetic cookie-sheet calendar #1

 and my decoupaged door #2.

   I won a blue ribbon at the county fair for my fairy garden #3. (I won’t mention the paucity of competition!) Maybe this will be the year I figure out Etsy!

 My biggest trip was attending my nephew Brice’s wedding in April in Toledo. #4,5.

Parents of the bride, Lisa, Brice, bride's son Michael, bridesmaids, flower girl is my great-niece Cara.

My nephews and niece; Billy,Devin,Brice, brother Bill, Stephanie, Joel, Grant

On the way I also hung out with my cousins Denise and Trish & Mike in southern Ohio.

 Smaller expeditions included a trip to Glass Beach in Ft. Bragg with my friend Morag #7,

monthly museum visits with retired teacher friends Susan & Susan #8, helping my BFF Marylin with her English Fudge sales, and running away to beaches every chance I get.

 Visitors included Donna & Steve (feeling better after kidney surgery) from Arkansas. #9.
While they were here in June we went to see our old faves: Pacifica, the Redwoods, and new places: a cruise on the Chardonnay, Angel Island and a Giants game #10.








In September Jeffrey’s friend Jennifer #11 came from Maryland – they went to beaches, San Francisco, the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and he cooked her pancakes almost every morning!

My largest purchase was solar panels! #12. (My electric bills now average $5.00 a month!) I love to watch that meter show negative numbers. I also had popcorn ceilings removed and walls repainted in half the house – chaotic but worth it.








Lifestyle changes: Jeffrey moved back in with me in July when diminishing roommates and continued unemployment made rent unaffordable in Redwood City. I really enjoy having him around. #13,14.

Just before Thanksgiving, Matt returned to the nest, too, after ending a three-year relationship with Noelle and her children. #15. 

At Monterey Bay Aquarium, photo bomber is Noelle's son Nathan

Sad but necessary. The house is beginning to look like an episode of Hoarding.

Felines Majesty and Inky are happily dashing from bed to bed and lap to lap, but Twinkletoes is still being a scaredy-cat.

I hope you are well and I wish I could see you as often as I think of you! Happy Holidays and a Great New Year!