Procrastination

Procrastination: Cause or Result?

When I'm anxious, I put things off; when I put things off, I'm anxious. Which came first, and how does knowing that help me overcome this lifelong affliction?

My earliest memory of procrastination is when I was 10 or so, putting off writing book reports in 5th grade, and not finishing the last requirements on girl scout badges, and delaying writing thank you letters for birthday gifts. I always hated deadlines (which is why I never majored in journalism), yet without them I might never finish anything. I hate it when other people pressure me to do something, but my own inner pressure is even worse, a battle I can't win: "I can't tell ME what to do!"

So what am I fighting, really? Perfectionism, partly. It's hard to finish something if you never really know when it's the best it could be. I remember taking "Incompletes" in college a few times so I could finish a paper I didn't start until the last minute, and then telling myself something like "I have to accept a lesser product because I didn't have time to do better." The recent Art Journal class I took gave us permission to "keep adding layers" and I like that feeling that it doesn't matter when or if something is "complete". That doesn't work for everything, of course, but for crafty stuff and home and garden stuff (not cooking) and even for self-improvement stuff like exercise and diet, it does seem to have its point. Sometimes it really is the process and not the result.

Judgment is another antagonist. I have never reacted well to criticism (who does?) but for the very fear of it to paralyze.... my mom's critical tone of voice (not her actual words) crops up often when a friend makes a remark I interpret as judgmental. And it also blasts through my own internal dialog! I imagine embarrassing situations arising and what others might think of them and how defensive I might get about that and  -- well, I don't even want to go out of the house. When my dearest friends say nice things about me, I think "What if they knew what I'm REALLY like?" and don't allow myself the leeway to just be human. 

Anxiety surrounding things I "should" be doing can be temporarily, but only temporarily, relieved by doing relaxing things like watching t.v., gaming, reading, fiddling with crafts. The Seniors CBT Group I've started going to suggested the Sock Drawer Solution -- if you think you're overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to deal with, spend half an hour reorganizing your sock drawer. You'll feel a sense of accomplishment and orderliness that relieves anxiety. I do have some success with deciding to work on something for a limited period of time  regardless of whether it gets finished or not. "I don't have to actually make this phone call, but I do have to look up the number and make a list of my talking points." Texting has been a godsend because I don't have to actually talk with the person I feel anxious about, but I can put down my ideas and push "Send" later. Perhaps this is purposeful procrastination!

Some people are what I call "Ante-crastinators" (Greg was one of them) -- as soon as they think about doing something, they are compelled to do it. I used to admire this, now I think it's probably just as extreme as procrastination. Moderation! Prioritizing. Not letting expectations, fear, anxiety or laziness make the choices. I have to both accept the way I am, and try to improve.

A new decade a new leaf?

Can't believe I haven't published anything here for a couple of years. Maybe I've been busy doing other stuff? You wouldn't know it from looking around here. Unless you count clutter as "accomplishment". Anyway, 2020 seems like a good time to start again and try to write a wee bit every day. Tech skill seems to fade faster than cheap pencil marks if not practiced with great regularity and this blog is pretty much a mystery to me now. At least it hasn't vanished into the Fog or the Cloud or whatever, like my photo organizing software did. 

2020 also seems like a good year for a Vision! My vision has been rather short-sighted lately: Getting Through the Next Thing: My Trips, Jeffrey's Move In, the Holidays, and next The Wedding. Trying not to let anxiety overwhelm me. I didn't realize how comfortable my comfort zone has been until it was disrupted. Maybe my vision should been to enlarge my comfort zone. Not sure how. Maybe my new Seniors CBT group will help, when it gets around to meeting again. 

Maybe with fewer places to store things I'll finally be able to find what I'm looking for, be it paper, keys or baking powder. (Discovered yesterday that my baking powder was more than 20 years past its expiration date...) Maybe I'll be able to answer the question "Why, exactly, am I saving this item, and when is the 'someday' I might need it?" Jeffrey's minimalism (or whatever you call the opposite of hoarding) may help me see things differently. Texting with Denise about her old photos and mementos is great. Her tech-savvy may help me figure out how to preserve without piling up! I wish there was someone from the younger generation who cared about this stuff! but this reminds me that I am the one who cares, so I am the one I have to please. Observing Matt and Cara beginning their new life together also should give me a new way of seeing the future (a future I won't be around for, most likely) if I don't get too bogged down in the past.