Tripping in the Philippines (1) People

I've been back two weeks now, but the Philippines is still in my head. (And on the chair in my bedroom where some of the stuff I brought back is still residing). I have to admit that despite my long experience teaching English and my degrees in Chinese I was not really prepared for the Philippines. All that I knew about their history was high school World History in 10th grade 55+ years ago: Magellan, Spanish Empire, Spanish American War, U.S. Territory, Second World War. My attention to more recent history was sound bites of Imelda Marcos's shoes and Duterte's Drug War. 

Yes I had a number of students from the Philippines, but not as many as from other Asian countries, so I sort of assumed most of them spoke English already. I knew many caregivers and health professionals from the Philippines, whom I assumed came to the U.S. not as refugees but because salaries were higher. I knew they were ethnically mixed, so not immediately identifiable by looks. I also have a facial recognition disability and find it hard to recognize people I don't know well.

I also have to admit (I'm embarrassed by these admissions) that my image of wealthy Asian families was way too influenced by the movie Crazy Rich Asians, and I imagined my son's future in-laws as amalgams of the most extreme characters in this movie. I was terrified to meet them. Of course none of my nightmares came true. Everyone was friendly and hospitable and best of all, they seemed to be genuinely fond of Matthew!

My family is small (I had only 2 brothers, 4 first cousins)-- their family is enormous by comparison (someone told me Cara has19 first cousins.) "Aunts" and "Uncles" that were not actual relations abound. And the similarity of names and proliferation of nicknames made it even worse.... I made innumerable blunders at remembering who was who and which branch of the family they belonged to. I am definitely going to work up a family tree and illustrate it with pictures to help me keep track, not that there is going to be a test!

People truly came from all over for the wedding -- New England and Southern California, Samoa, and Philadelphia, not to mention my friend's kids from London! and they braved volcano threats and fears of Corona virus outbreaks and changed flights. They are really world travelers and family weddings are a Big Deal! By contrast, my wedding was attended by exactly one of my relatives, my mom; the Ohio contingent were all content to listen to the audio tape and look at the photos. 

Outside of the family and wedding guests there were quite a few surprises in the people we met. First were the live-in servants (my first exposure to this outside of t.v. series!) The family's driver/babysitter/car-washer/pool-cleaner/24/7 was a font of information on literally everything from sociology to history to politics. She was college educated, had the patience of a saint in horrendous traffic, & refused to call me anything but Madame Linda!

The sheer number of staff persons at the hotels, airports, malls, buses, restrooms, streets was surprising. In the US we've become accustomed to truncated customer service, self-pump gas stations, self checkouts. There were even people attempting to direct traffic, which I don't think I've seen in the US since the fifties! I suppose that this is partly because of labor availability. It is handy to have a salesperson or two at each elbow in a department store, unless you are just browsing, when it starts to get annoying. The manicurist I went to worked in the dark, and had no conversation, whether because of custom or language barrier, who knows.

Most of the people we met lived in gated communities in MetroManila. Access was controlled at entrances, and in all the malls. Dress codes were enforced at all the better restaurants and hotels. We saw no homeless or beggars in these areas. My friends and I ventured out to the Rest of It by city bus and light rail. And saw only a couple of children sitting on steps collecting coins, a few older people sleeping on the streets. Mostly we saw people working working working -- construction workers everywhere, people driving jeepneys and pedicabs and motorcycles with sidecars, drumming up business for taxis, hustling goods from innumerable tiny shops (I have closets bigger), delivering loads of laundry, food. Their homes were sometimes sheds piled atop other piles of sheds served by snarls of electrical wires that would give Edison nightmares. Sewage was visible and smellable! "Bed space" was advertised (not really sure what this meant...) Food seemed abundant. Schoolchildren were all in uniform, all seeming very serious. Even among tourist-industry workers, English fluency was down to about 40% comprehensibility. Outside the city we also saw farmers with water buffalo, road crews, people shoveling up volcanic ash along the road. I imagine the time of the year affected the number of agricultural workers we saw -- not many!

I don't want to draw many conclusions based on my one (and possibly only) brief visit. The contrast between wealth and poverty seemed very sharp, but then it always does. Huge weddings create a level of stress far beyond that of ordinary life! I was almost never alone anywhere, which is very different from my comfort zone in San Jose. I intend to pay more attention to the news from the Philippines, and to the many immigrants to live in my community, and of course to get to know my new family-in-law! My next blog post will probably be about food....(I really miss not having to cook!)

Procrastination

Procrastination: Cause or Result?

When I'm anxious, I put things off; when I put things off, I'm anxious. Which came first, and how does knowing that help me overcome this lifelong affliction?

My earliest memory of procrastination is when I was 10 or so, putting off writing book reports in 5th grade, and not finishing the last requirements on girl scout badges, and delaying writing thank you letters for birthday gifts. I always hated deadlines (which is why I never majored in journalism), yet without them I might never finish anything. I hate it when other people pressure me to do something, but my own inner pressure is even worse, a battle I can't win: "I can't tell ME what to do!"

So what am I fighting, really? Perfectionism, partly. It's hard to finish something if you never really know when it's the best it could be. I remember taking "Incompletes" in college a few times so I could finish a paper I didn't start until the last minute, and then telling myself something like "I have to accept a lesser product because I didn't have time to do better." The recent Art Journal class I took gave us permission to "keep adding layers" and I like that feeling that it doesn't matter when or if something is "complete". That doesn't work for everything, of course, but for crafty stuff and home and garden stuff (not cooking) and even for self-improvement stuff like exercise and diet, it does seem to have its point. Sometimes it really is the process and not the result.

Judgment is another antagonist. I have never reacted well to criticism (who does?) but for the very fear of it to paralyze.... my mom's critical tone of voice (not her actual words) crops up often when a friend makes a remark I interpret as judgmental. And it also blasts through my own internal dialog! I imagine embarrassing situations arising and what others might think of them and how defensive I might get about that and  -- well, I don't even want to go out of the house. When my dearest friends say nice things about me, I think "What if they knew what I'm REALLY like?" and don't allow myself the leeway to just be human. 

Anxiety surrounding things I "should" be doing can be temporarily, but only temporarily, relieved by doing relaxing things like watching t.v., gaming, reading, fiddling with crafts. The Seniors CBT Group I've started going to suggested the Sock Drawer Solution -- if you think you're overwhelmed by all the stuff you have to deal with, spend half an hour reorganizing your sock drawer. You'll feel a sense of accomplishment and orderliness that relieves anxiety. I do have some success with deciding to work on something for a limited period of time  regardless of whether it gets finished or not. "I don't have to actually make this phone call, but I do have to look up the number and make a list of my talking points." Texting has been a godsend because I don't have to actually talk with the person I feel anxious about, but I can put down my ideas and push "Send" later. Perhaps this is purposeful procrastination!

Some people are what I call "Ante-crastinators" (Greg was one of them) -- as soon as they think about doing something, they are compelled to do it. I used to admire this, now I think it's probably just as extreme as procrastination. Moderation! Prioritizing. Not letting expectations, fear, anxiety or laziness make the choices. I have to both accept the way I am, and try to improve.

A new decade a new leaf?

Can't believe I haven't published anything here for a couple of years. Maybe I've been busy doing other stuff? You wouldn't know it from looking around here. Unless you count clutter as "accomplishment". Anyway, 2020 seems like a good time to start again and try to write a wee bit every day. Tech skill seems to fade faster than cheap pencil marks if not practiced with great regularity and this blog is pretty much a mystery to me now. At least it hasn't vanished into the Fog or the Cloud or whatever, like my photo organizing software did. 

2020 also seems like a good year for a Vision! My vision has been rather short-sighted lately: Getting Through the Next Thing: My Trips, Jeffrey's Move In, the Holidays, and next The Wedding. Trying not to let anxiety overwhelm me. I didn't realize how comfortable my comfort zone has been until it was disrupted. Maybe my vision should been to enlarge my comfort zone. Not sure how. Maybe my new Seniors CBT group will help, when it gets around to meeting again. 

Maybe with fewer places to store things I'll finally be able to find what I'm looking for, be it paper, keys or baking powder. (Discovered yesterday that my baking powder was more than 20 years past its expiration date...) Maybe I'll be able to answer the question "Why, exactly, am I saving this item, and when is the 'someday' I might need it?" Jeffrey's minimalism (or whatever you call the opposite of hoarding) may help me see things differently. Texting with Denise about her old photos and mementos is great. Her tech-savvy may help me figure out how to preserve without piling up! I wish there was someone from the younger generation who cared about this stuff! but this reminds me that I am the one who cares, so I am the one I have to please. Observing Matt and Cara beginning their new life together also should give me a new way of seeing the future (a future I won't be around for, most likely) if I don't get too bogged down in the past.