Resolutions

I'm not the resolving type. Goal-setting, planning, habit-breaking all seem to be things that don't exactly work for me. Nevertheless, I have experienced a lot of changes in the past few years, not always of my own seeking, and if I went back in time and "resolved' to make all these changes, I'd be proud of myself for achieving them.

I think the thing that I've done in the past three or four years that illustrates this the most is my change in exercise habits. I now go to the gym twice a week, I do water aerobics once or twice a week, I walk, I have a personal trainer. I haven't started running marathons or anything like that. I just don't say no to exercise anymore. I still have to argue with myself every time I go. I still grunt and groan (although I haven't injured anything) and I don't enjoy the actual exercise. I may get into a zennish thing in the pool when everything disappears but the water and the sound of the instructor's voice. It's more zoned out than pleasurable. But afterward I feel good psychologically if not physically. Whatever else I do or don't do that day, at least I have moved around!

When I walk I am seeing beauty everywhere and taking pictures and listening to the wind and the creek and the birds. I'm not trying to get away from anything or get anywhere! I'm not trying to set any records for speed or distance. I know there are health benefits, but these are not foremost in my mind. Presence in the moment, which is, I guess the mindfulness various therapists have been promoting, is the present I have been given, at last. It's enough.