A million years ago in college I took a high-falutin' course called something like household management, and one of the things that was discussed was the philosophy of time. Everybody knows about the subjectivity of time -- flies when you're havin' fun, etc. But what I'm really starting to notice is how it wiggles and wobbles and keeps changing speed. Seconds, for example, move painfully slowly when I'm trying to hold a "plank" exercise. Minutes grind by slowly on the elliptical machine, unless I happen to be watching HGTV. A three minute commercial break takes forever until I remember I can pause my DVR, go do something quick, and come back and fast-forward. But a 1-minute "blitz solitaire" game is over before I know it.
A day seems to take just about the right amount of time, unless I 'm having trouble sleeping, which happened last week when I subbed three nights in a row and threw my body-clock out of whack. But the weeks whiz by -- seems like practically every time I turn around it's time to take out the trash cans again, and the other once-a-week appointments crowd up against each other too. Months are not so bad -- they have their little celebrations and themes that help me keep track of time.
Years -- for so long all the years were measured by the kids: how old they were, what grade in school they were, what activities they were involved in, and within the year, the school calendar which was also my own work schedule. Then everything was revolving around Greg's appointments and caregiving schedule. Now I have to figure everything out for myself, sometimes taking ten minutes to deduce what day it is if I'm not standing next to a t.v. or calendar. I want to know what's on for each day, but at the same time I love it when there is nothing I "have to" do! All the things I thought I'd get around to when I finally "had the time" are still sitting there on my list, their urgency totally diluted by the concept of retirement. I just looked back at some of my journal entries from 3 years ago -- and there are those same agenda items!
Which brings me to past vs. present vs. future. I think I have more or less mastered living in the present. I no longer fear the future (although I don't really look forward to anything in particular, I would like to have a general sense of anticipation of good things). I no longer regret the past, but I do want to "capture" some of the experiences and history in a form useful to other people. "Legacy" my financial planner called this -- I've been watching a lot of "Who Do You think You Are?" and "Finding Your Roots" type programs on t.v., and I want to preserve and tell the stories. I wish I'd paid more attention when my grandmother was telling her stories. But how much of my one and only NOW do I want to spend loop-de-looping around in THEN?
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